But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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