Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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