we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
