Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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