You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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