new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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