You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize