He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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