Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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