i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
