Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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