how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
