If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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