I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I fill condoms, not promises.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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