I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
