the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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