Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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