i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
