why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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