Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
