Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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