Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
