that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
