My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
