Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
