Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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