I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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