the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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