I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
