at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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