He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
