I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize