just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the day after is always just damage control
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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