jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We are two peas in an std pod
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize