he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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