My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
