I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
