just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
