There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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