Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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