dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
