I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She told me I should be a condom model.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize