i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
