I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
