I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
