remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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