It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
