I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
