Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
