her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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