I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
