I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
