I wish I could teleport
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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