Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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