the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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