You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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