i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize