Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
