I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
