he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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