I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
