I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
