I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
